I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Couch. On fire.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
