my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
