I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
