Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
