Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
