Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
