Old men and throwing up are my life now.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
