My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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