Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize