I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
