i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Randomize
