i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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