good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
