Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
