I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize