you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
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