Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize