I am puke
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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