Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
