My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
