I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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