oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
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theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
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He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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