so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
