So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
