The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
