you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
