update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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