You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
