how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
