Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I don't want my vagina anymore.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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