I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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