I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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