My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
