I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
