Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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