ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
