My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
