my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
