She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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