I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
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I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
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I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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