The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
