I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
