I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
