If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Randomize
