I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Randomize
