I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
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