just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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