Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I need a beard to bite.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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