that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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