based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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