I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
