I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
