The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
