i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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